A man of letters

“A great man of letters” That's the phrase that came to mind. It's a bit like “Renaissance man” it's one of those things. I am always amazed by the output of writers, those thick tomes, all those classics. Dostoevsky - wrote most productively when he was in debt – he had a gambling addiction -sounds horrible. I'm not a quick reader but I do like a big thick book sometimes. – but all that writing- how did they bear to do it? I am just impressed basically. All those words! All those letters!

I was musing about this earlier today. It's one of those phrases that has cropped up over my reading career. Now I always vaguely assumed that “A man of letters” meant they were renowned and had the status of a great letter writer - in volume and quality. Someone said it was because they had lots of letters after their name. So I looked it up for the real meaning. It means letters as in A B C! Someone who identifies as a user of letters! In other words a writer – so that's what it means. I had the same feeling you get when you discover that you have misheard a song lyric for your whole life- it's like loosing a shilling and finding sixpence (in new money, loosing 5 pence and finding 2.5 pence -but that doesn't work so well.)

I wonder if this tendency of mine to miss-interpret things is hereditary. It's a kind of brain short circuit. We called them “the funnies” in our family. The classic one was by my aunt. In the depths of the west country the hedges grow very tall along the very narrow lanes. Weaving through them in a car sometimes you come across a sign “Slow/ Hedge Cutting”. My aunt read it and absorbed it in all of a piece. She turned to her Husband in the car and started to say “Bill.......what's.....?” The other classic is the big sign saying HEAVY PLANT CROSSING.

My mum's best spoonerism was in referring to that film “The Nuns of Gaverone”. Me- “That pub in town is doing two meals for the price of one.” “But I don't want two meals” was her brilliant response. Did my mother really believe my father in there early days of courtship that the sheep on a steep hill have two legs shorter than the other? I think she realised it was a joke -but only when he said the problem was that they can only go round one way. The priest was leaving after the evening dinner. “Do you want to use the toilet Father?” “No thank you Mrs Smith.” “Are you sure Father”. That brain short circuit again. For that moment she's talking to one of us before a long car journey. I believe it could be a sign of creative possibilities and great thinking – I bet Einstein had such a tendency, I am sure it is that vacant gap in which new ideas and creativity thrive? The child like gap – there lies greatness!

How do we communicate? This social question has been bought sharply into focus by the current situation. As we know the content of what we say is such a very small percentage of communication. Body language, tone of voice etc. . it's not rocket science. We are highly attuned social animals. We shouldn't need a manual for this – we have been learning it since our earliest years of development. Our subconscious is also busy interpreting what going on – and that can cause big problems.( But that's another subject for another day).

However body language is very subtle and not as simple as the pop psychologies would claim. Much of it can be neutral of course. If I sit here with my arms folded it may be a sign of being defensive, uncomfortable and feeling threatened but it could be just because I fancy sitting like that – since my arms have to go somewhere and I may just fancy a change. But the whole subtle communication of body and voice and the eyes they say so much. We can make judgements. Is this the right time to say what I just though of saying. Is that joke or ribbing the right thing at this moment. We don't work it out though – it should be intuitive and spontaneous. With people we click with, it all flows naturally.

When I grew up our line of communication was the home telephone (black heavy Bakelite, it matched the old Bakelite light switches) but it was my parents and they were it's gate keeper. Anyway we wrote letters to friends – I have kept all these letters and postcards that I received – it seemed rude to just throw them away since friends had taken the trouble to write them. I recently returned a bundle of letters to a friend so that he could revisit his 20 year old self and see what was going on. I'm sure the ones I wrote have disappeared -probably a mixed blessing. That reminds me that before the invention of the postage stamp (which happened in England by the way) the recipient of the letter paid the postage. This put the onus on the letter writer to be somewhat polite and entertaining.

Before the telephone people wrote lots of letters. Think “the collected letters' of say Coleridge just for example– volumes of them or Van Gogh. Then there was the telegram a sort of very limited and expensive messaging. The custom arose of using the word STOP between sentences in military telegrams so that any ambiguous phrases would not be misinterpreted. The custom caught on with the public. Even after punctuation was introduced, people continued fashionably using STOP between sentences in telegrams even though they didn't have to. Text messages could do with military discipline. New relationships could surely get better if the messaging was dealt with as the old telegram was. A. Do you want to go out? STOP B. No I'm washing my hair STOP. – so everyone knew what was going on.

Social media can be a nightmare. We can have successful chat on social media and can relax when we know that person well already and have an understanding of the relationship outside of the medium being used. The limited nuance provided by the emojis help obviously but they aren't really an answer to cover the complexities regard to any romantic relationship inclined communication. Until we meet someone in person nobody really knows what the hell is going on.

So there is girl on your mind– the one that keeps invading your daily thoughts. The one that we are powerless to control and gets in the way of everyday functional thinking. One simple text can spark off a whole deluge of uncertainty – why was it short? Was that a joke? is she just being friendly and polite. Is she bored? Does that emoji means what I think it means? Why hasn't she replied to my last one? Etc. etc. etc. A women on the brain and the messaging can drive a man insane (and vice versa – I believe, according to some close female friends- who I have off course got to know in the real world i.e. In the flesh. :)

Messaging is fine for straight forward information sharing such as Where? What time? Sorry I'm running late etc. But in attempting to build a relationship, it's a disaster. In the area of human interaction it is a hopeless way to communicate. Also a sent message has such finality – it can just sit there, working away in the mind, mocking ones attempt to understand what it means. OK you will realise I am talking here about those of us that can fall easily into obsession. Feed the obsession? Have a Texting, Messenger or What's App “relationship” and see how that goes. If it fizzles out - it leave the question “What was that all about? You ask my friend who's on Bumble at the moment.

I was very impressed with some texting that came through from a lady called Kate who I didn't know that well. She messaged me out of the blue and asked me to the theatre. Before I even had time to consider this proposal the follow came: THIS IS NOT A DATE. (yes it was in capitals). This lack of ambiguity was quite a relief since (with respect to Kate)I was quite happy with this arrangement. As it happened I was busy washing my hair. However we have subsequently been on a few non-dates. She is of course now known to me fondly as “Kate this is not a date.” I was strangely impressed by her brutality.

How do we communicate? It's a big question of great importance in these alienating times but the Covid thing has just emphasised an already important question in our communities. Zoom is great but it's not enough. Much of social media and other forms of communication based in technology goes against our natural instincts and increase our defence mechanisms or doesn't allow them real expression. We are paying a big price for the convenience and practical usefulness of being connected in this way and I don't think we have adapted to this technology yet. Sometimes the answer is to just pick up the phone and just hope it doesn't go to voice mail.