Get Ahead Get a Hat

What a great piece of copy that is. It's up there with Go to work on an Egg or the Ready Brek Central heating for kids television advertisements. The most creative ever perhaps was the sign outside a camping shop -“Now is the Winter of our Discounted Tents” - that is genius.

Here is the Manchester Guardian of 1949:

Although they made 5,000,000 hats for men last year the hatters of England are not happy. Four out of five men under 35 in some towns are unkindly indifferent to what a good hat can do for their appearance. The sad fact ... is that young men are just not “hat conscious.”This state of affairs is not to be allowed to continue...They are to be confronted with the slogan “If you want to get ahead get a hat.” The value of a hat to their careers will be impressed upon them, and to show that hatters are not without an eye for romance the bare-headed will be informed that eight out of ten young women prefer men with hats.

Oxford -the home of the Mad Hatter - is a great place to wear a crazy hat– it is already so mixed up with something of a permanent holiday atmosphere; to catch anybodies attention requires something very outlandish. I was not planning to shock but over the summer I became hat conscious and the heatwave encouraged me to address my hat wearing habits. In summer I do need to protect the delicate skin on my bald pate which is usually a baseball hat, of acceptable design and in winter I do enjoy wearing a woolly hat that hugely reduces heat loss. Meeting up with a couple of straw hat wearing chums encouraged me to get a summery trilby. Charles also sometimes wears a black bowler to compliment his anarchic and gothic look, Simon will soon change to his furry Russian hat given the change in the weather. Bowler hats are curious - worn in the past by both bankers and union men . Also the droogs in A Clockwork Orange wore bowler hats to complete their disturbing appearance. Originally a kind of crash helmet and useful for the University police of old -called bulldogs. Of course hats used to be the major class indicator. Top hats for the toffs, bowlers for the middle class and shop keepers -and flat caps for the proletariat -simple.

There are so many ways to express yourself. Showing humility – holding the hat to your chest like the little Mexicans farmers did with their sombreros when they needed help from the tall American gringo gun slinger (usually Clint Eastwood). All rather patronising though dramatically effective. Tipping your hat to a lady, or otherwise! Removing the hat dramatically or humbly on entering a social space – inside or out. Taking off your hat on entering a church. Not wearing a hat to the dinner table to show decorum and social sensibilities. Hats speak volumes. Peaky blinder hats. gor blimey hats; how could you have a black and white film noir or a day at Ascot with no hats? There are special funeral hats. A true story that my Father shared with me was about a relatives funeral. One of the mourners had handed in her ornate hat to the usher, you know the type - flowers and fruit and wot-not (It was the kind of hat that someone, somewhere said the owner should be forced to eat.) She was shocked to see the hat sail past on the top of the coffin as it disappeared behind the curtain to be consigned to the flames. Perhaps that had unfortunate significance. When is a funeral hat a wreath? Now that is a question.

Why are British women so reluctant to adorn their heads. They need to learn from the rest of the world who wear theirs in such flattering and creative ways. Head scarfs tied back -not frumpy like northern housewives gossiping over the fence. Alice bands look great -not Sloaney head bands please, covered in black or dark green velvet. And what about my favourite -a black beret – remember Claire Grogan in Gregory's Girl? At recent formalities Ivana Trump has been wearing a kind of flying saucer on her head. It looked very effective for protection in case anybody lunged at her with a kiss. Trump struggled himself to get under it to give her a peck.

I don't like pork pie hats, bucket hats,(loved by Oasis fans) or Paddington Bear hats unless they are on Paddington Bear. One of my room 101 objects is a baseball hat in a special configuration, that is worn back to front. Social media is full of dudes wearing baseball hats the wrong way round. Over excited Americans presenting Vlogs. Basically saying. “Look at me, see how rebellious I am, what a DUDE!” With my stupid bit of plastic across my forehead. This in my mind is THE SYMBOL for the American tat that invades our fragrant land of Albion.

I once saw a chap settled down in a coffee bar socialising with a friend and drinking coffee; but wearing a cycle helmet throughout. This tested my tolerance. I decided in a second that I was witnessing the MAD behaviour of a self righteous, holier than thou bozo. Very unfair- but it wasn't a good look.

The head is a sacred place – no patting on the head in Thailand I believe, anyway it is so patronising for all of us – it can make a person whither inside. In the spirit of equality is matronising a thing? How is that even expressed? Maybe the act of matronising would be to be pulled to a woman's bosom which may or not be welcome depending on the context. “Oh Matron!” could be a response or“Don't you matronise me!” Not all men like to be mothered – certainly not in a Munchausen by Proxy kind of way; like being kept sickly by a controlling mother. But that has happened more to daughters I suspect.

A hat can protect and be a psychological defence. Removing a hat can be like taking off a sword. The word chaperone meaning a guiding protector derives from the word for a head protector i.e. a chape or hood. I was in a therapy group once and the facilitator requested that a man remove his baseball hat (worn correctly by the way). This did open up the man's face and made him look more approachable and symbolised his defences being dropped. A tin foil hat will also make you feel some protection if your are enjoy far out conspiracy theories.

Society is of course reflected in it's hat wearing. No hats coincides with the drop of formality.

Now we have hoodies for skulking in and balaclavas for worse. I am now naturally and horribly segwaying into masks. Ne'er-do-wells wearing hats & masks – what could possibly go wrong? I really think face coverings should be banned at protests for everybody. Those COVID masks are still about for some reason – just not British! I did learn that the Chinese wear a mask when they have a cold – to protect others. That makes sense and is kind -though maybe rather collectivist.

I was ready for everything during COVID